I officially signed up for my first race event this week! It's a 10k that is local here in South Lyon and benefits the local library - Book'n Trilogy. I had mixed feelings about choosing this event to support with my dollars because it's not even a library that we can go to (we are in Lyon Twp so our library is different). There's some seemingly political issues surrounding the history of why other libraries in the library system let us use theirs but SL doesn't, and instead they charge $100/family/year for Lyon Twp residents. Yes, I know we pay lower taxes, and yes, our library is tiny and doesn't have as much to offer, but in the spirit of the philosophy of why libraries exist, it bothers me! Anyway, Thad pointed out that it still supports a worthy establishment, and he is of course, right.
The date is May 19th - 4 weeks from yesterday! I feel confident I can run 10k since I did a couple weeks ago with Stephanie, so I'm not panicking about it. I did have a bit of a walk break at mile 4 when I did it though, so I do need to do a structured training program to be sure I don't overwhelm myself the day of the race. My pace is slow, and for the most part I'm okay with that. Today I did a 'long' run of 4.15 miles and my pace was an average of 11:30.
The part of me that isn't okay with that time is the part of me that just wants to already be the fit person I wish I was. I know I am being hard on myself. Thad reminds me that I spent many years of my life pretty much sedentary and obese. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the one people say, oh look how far she's come, or she did/looks pretty good, considering. A year ago I think those comments would make me feel good, proud of what I've accomplished. Now I just feel like I should have come further in the past year than I have. I know I'm being impatient with myself. But really what I want in this whole journey of mine - to just be normal, to be healthy, to be fit. The crazy thing is that on one hand, I really want to just be 'normal' - where people I meet new would never guess I had been so heavy and lived such a different lifestyle, and keep that to myself as my past - and then on the other hand, I enjoy being able to help and inspire others and in doing so, share my story. How can I somehow be proud and shamed by the same circumstances? I guess it's the lifelong story of wanting to fit in and not have my weight be the first impression someone has of me and define their perception of me - along with a view of the person I believe I really am inside who wants to share and help others find some inspiration that may help them change their lives.